Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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