I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
