They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
