I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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