Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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