I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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