i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
