I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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