Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
