Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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