The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
