There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
