i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.