I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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