Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
