My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
