Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
