I wanna bring you to show and tell
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
