Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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