so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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