If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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