I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize