Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
