Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
