At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
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Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
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I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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