Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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