Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
