I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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