if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
