I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
