took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize