Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
