Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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