I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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