Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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