Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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