When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
