Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
