I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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