I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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