Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
my poor anus
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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