Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
