We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
