I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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