I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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