Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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