I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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