i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
