The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
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You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
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My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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