I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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