Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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