you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
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I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
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I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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