So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
